Lighter Dark Blue

I think I can see something
just over the horizon
like maybe a little lighter dark blue
in my darkest blues ever
but it might hurt my eyes
I think I'll close them
a little longer

~November 11, 2011

Being

Now I see
that what I really couldn’t stand
was being myself with you
was it just too vulnerable
or was I too selfish
or was your potential dislike
so close to the surface
that I could see it when I looked at you?
Or was I only seeing me
stuck with my own
bad
idea
not
being myself
but
being with you.

~November 11, 2011

Yes to Now

The spaces of relationships
I've left behind
trail me like huge
cavernous seed pods
in which I could get caught
in the echoes of what I thought
they could grow

carnivorous seed pods

I can't stop writing this idea
like a song stuck in your mind
the things I thought I wanted are
the only things I seem to think about

because those thoughts are caught
in the structures of songs
shades of grey sky
the weave of my clothing,
only I can't see my thoughts
I can't pick out the stitches you sewed
or make the sun shine into my mind
or stop listening to tragic love songs.
Maybe that's ok
maybe saying yes to now
is not saying yes to forever

~November 11, 2011

The Thing Is

The first thing I think of
is a broken eggshell
leaking promise
but I don't even eat eggs
so I try to write real

The last time I didn't kiss you
the last time I didn't play a song for you
or tell you what it meant
or why it made me think of you,
or why I felt like there was no room
for any of that.
The last times shake through me
like waves, a shoreline I'm living on
the never got tos
the forgots
the never could bes.
The times I thought
I knew us
The thing about not being yourself for awhile
is that you're still yourself
so you don't even know you're not
The thing about not being yourself
is that it's hard to know what you're missing
The thing about not speaking up
is that silence may become you
and some people may like the silence

better than you

~July 29, 2011

Patience

You're a scab I want to pick
outlined garishly on my skin
but I know I'll find underneath
my raw unhealed flesh
so I wait, a pot of water
not yet boiling

You're a flower still
tightly concealed in green wrappings
of bud and secret
I can't pick you
I can't even find you, camouflaged
in a field of so many greens.

~June 21, 2011

Lego

Falling in love with you like
building a lego house
all the blocks snapped tightly together
and I had a little instruction sheet
so I knew what piece went where
and I was so excited to see
what it would look like in the end.
In the end it looked
like I wasn't in love with you at all
but those pieces are so hard
to pull apart

~April 26, 2011

Frozen

I went looking for you
in the cold and busy aisles
of the freezer section
among green tea ice cream
organic burritos
all the vegetarian delicacies
I could fit in my basket
but I did not find
you
like the orange sorbet cups
we used to eat
are frozen in my mind

~April 20, 2011

Zipper

I don't want compliments
to be the best way into my pants
because I know that's why
we're sharing them
sharing what's in our pants
because it's easier to reach
than what's in our zippered hearts.

~April 9, 2011

Shells

You are like searching
for shells on the beach
the calcium form of
your hip curves away from me
but I keep looking, sifting,
in case the next find is a keeper.

~April 9, 2011

Fog

In a bathroom full of steam
I feel warm, secured,
sink toilet tub everything
where it should be
but in the mirror
where I should be
is fog fog fog not me

~April 8, 2011

Chalk

Me, as a piece of art
done in chalk pastel
You, the thumb
rubbing out my details

~April 8, 2011

Childhood Toy

The kind of magnets you find
inside a plastic case
with a stylus to make a beard
on the picture of a man's face.
My nerves around you:
shredded
bits of metal, pulled to the surface
so you could arrange me
in the style you liked best.

~April 8, 2011

Over

We said
I'll never get over you
and we said it with delight
at who we'd found in each other.

You would not understand
but I'm beginning to.

I don't want to get over you,
because what if getting over you
is getting over love?

~March 29, 2011

Look

With you, it is your reflection
I stare at most intently;
it shows the qualities
I want to see.
But if you took my hand
for a moment turned me away
from my glassy gaze,
I'd find you not the same
because the mirror was mine,
and you in real life
are blurry around the edges.
I'm sorry I thought I could make you
who you are, who you are not.
You were already made
and all I had to do was look.

~March 6, 2011

Veil

I miss you.
I was afraid this would
happen
and I was afraid it wouldn't
(what kind of woman
wouldn't miss her man
what kind
of woman am I)
and now that the cloth
of anxiety wears thin
will I see that I still love
you?
Or was that cloth a veil between us
that you were never meant to lift

~March 6, 2011

So Smooth

Trumpet smooth in my ears
your skin smooth with color
so smooth to fall in love with you.
Falling asleep when I'm so sleepy
is smooth
until I wake up behind the wheel
behind the folded hood
behind the mistake I can't
remember making

~February 24, 2011

Playing Cinderella

I used to play Cinderella,
but you can't pretend all the time
because ballgowns and glass slippers
are a once in a while thing.
The fairy godmother appeared anyway,
and she granted my wish
and I made you believe
a pumpkin could be a carriage
carrying me to you.
And all the magic blinded me too
until I believed I couldn't live without the spell
and spent all my time fighting midnight
and when I lost one slipper,
I cut myself with the other,
to remember what I'd thought
was the story of a princess
and her charming.
By now the mice have forgotten their hooves
but their naked pink feet
are too much for me to bear.
My ragged dress is
a fairytale gone wrong
but I can't stop wearing it
and this one glass shoe is crippling me.

~February 23, 2011

Cherries

I remember when cherries were a beautiful
thing to eat and two attached were a prize,
twice the taste in the bowl of my childhood.
I remember and know I'm fortunate
to have the memory. I might never
have tasted them. I might lose that imprint
on my brain. I lost a lot more and I'm
still living.

~January 19, 2011

like that

Sad like cement
full like a sock of beans
empty like the last day of school

~January 9, 2011